Sunday, 23 April 2017

I think of things most people ignore

I have an irresistible need to organize things and events in my head into systems that I can map out in a 'landscape'. It is my safety net. It keeps me in touch with humanity. It keeps me calm. It keeps me safe and isolated and alienated. The notion of 'proximity' is moot.

Mostly I'm 'lost-in-my-own-head' at the expense of everything else. My family, my loves, my friends...all are beyond me. I cannot reach out and touch them even in my own presence, really.

My own admission: I have a hard time recalling the names of my beloveds' because they are more than that to me. My loves are pictures, images, and living clips of exceptional moments that define them for me.

I call them by nicknames (like my dad did with me).

In my loneliest moments I know I share my 'soul' with them. They confirm who I am as I revel in their stirrings in those exceptional moments that make my life worth living.

A casual smile, a small gesture, a simple pose, a whiff of smell...they mean everything to me.

Jay

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