Thursday, 29 March 2018

there be the love of my life...

arnakuluk. She and I run down prey with the wolf pack in the arctic tundra and the hills of flowing white.

Kina una? I ask.

-Suuq. Una uvanga? she replies.

Jay

and that tomorrow will come

...

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

when the darkness of the dawning winter's light

weighs heavily upon my soul what sustains me from succumbing to its palpable repression is that I know that I'm loved.

Monday, 5 March 2018

full disclosure

I'm sure I'll never stop loving any of my children, including the one who called me by my name.

Actually, I've always been proud of all three (including my bud). Always knew that they're all remarkable, bright and full of potential since I held them in my arms for the first time. They all had (have) the same spark in their eyes, all brilliant in their ways. All three (including my bud) prone to using my t-shirt as a snot rag as they clung close to me, holding my arm tightly. Pure heaven to me.

I'm a jealous dad but not really a jealous person.

It really hurt when my youngest called me by my name.

After so many years of physical absence, radio silence when my love-love finally contacted me and addressed me as a common stranger, all I could think about was she calls that dullard her 'dad' (sorry but all people look the same to me 'til they talk). That oaf reminds me of the opening theme to Weeds:

little boxes on the hillside, little boxes of ticky tacky. little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same. there's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one...and they all look the same.


I concede that that dullness probably feels as I do about his child...only lifeless and without imagination...probably never been stoned, never been authentic.

Jay

Thursday, 22 February 2018

a distillation

We all like to be acknowledged and appreciated. We all like to know we count.
-Frances Cole Jones

I think self-help gurus as Frances are full of crock as the Buddhist monk that I just saw being cutely cryptic on TV saying that 'enlightenment' cannot be taught and that when he points out the moon for us that we should not be distracted by his pointing finger. -what is enlightenment anyway?

But I really believe in the quote above. I think deep down when we see beyond ourselves (to look at ourselves), when all attachments, ambitions, and expectations fall away from focus we do realize that 'we all like to be acknowledged and appreciated' - just as the Christ said, plain and simple - no four-fold, eight-fold, umpteen-fold path, no 12 step program.

I've been force-feeding myself all the ugliness I see on the news everyday, not really knowing why and what for. Then, I came across the quote above this morning and it kind of stuck to me because I recently experienced (in my mind) its absence personally (if only for a moment): I literally lost my mind.

Jay

Ps: two very important persons in my life (whom I tried to drive away) reached out and snatched me from my madness despite myself.

Thursday, 8 February 2018

I am human

nothing human is strange to me. I am in the fray. -to paraphrase Publius Terentius Afer, that is.

in the great wilderness my honour is my currency, my word the mite everywhere else after.

A postcard from the other side

There was me before and there was me after.

In an unexpected turn of phrase in my formulation of the problem, it suddenly solved itself...